Journal - August 3, 2012

Son - This morning was rough. I went out early to visit and just hurt all over. Your flowers still look beautiful and your windchime was chiming. I think the reality that I will never hold you again on this earth is setting in. The permanence of your death in this earthly lif. I am crying everyday still, some days more than others. I was surrounded with friends today which kept me in good spirits....and distracted me from the every minute pain of losing you. They are such a huge help to me. They let me talk about you if I want to; or no talk if I don't want to. Even though they have not lost a child - I feel like they are walking this with me. They are feeling my pain. They are true friends. I look at all these new strong friendships (and some I already had but are now stronger) as a gift from you, from your life. A gift from God. You know - everytime I hear a windchime now I think of you. As if every chime is a souns straight from your heart to mine. How am I going to live this life without you? I was supposed to go first! All I know is I love you son, and I am sorry I couldn't protect or save you. You have changed me, my life, our family. I will not let you down. I will show the world how you, my son, made me a better person. You will live on in me. Momma