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Journal - August 3, 2012

August 3, 2012

Son - 

This morning was rough.  I went out early to visit and just hurt all over.  Your flowers still look beautiful and your windchime was chiming.  I think the reality that I will never hold you again on this earth is setting in.  The permanence of your death in this earthly lif.  I am crying everyday still, some days more than others.  I was surrounded with friends today which kept me in good spirits....and distracted me from the every minute pain of losing you.  They are such a huge help to me.  They let me talk about you if I want to; or no talk if I don't want to.  Even though they have not lost a child - I feel like they are walking this with me.  They are feeling my pain.  They are true friends.  I look at all these new strong friendships (and some I already had but are now stronger) as a gift from you, from your life.  A gift from God.  You know - everytime I hear a windchime now I think of you.  As if every chime is a souns straight from your heart to mine.  How am I going to live this life without you?  I was supposed to go first!  All I know is I love you son, and I am sorry I couldn't protect or save you.  You have changed me, my life, our family.  I will not let you down.  I will show the world how you, my son, made me a better person.  You will live on in me.  

Momma

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