My Dearest Austin

My dearest Austin –

I miss you.

As I held you when you took your last breathe……my heart broke and will never be the same. Watching you pass was the hardest day of my life. I held on tight to the body you left behind and never wanted to let go. I am sorry I couldn’t save you. I am sorry you didn’t have a healthy body. I feel like I failed you as a Mother. I would have given anything for you. I would have given anything to switch places with you son. I am so sorry I couldn’t save you.

I miss your little grunts. I miss your hands. I miss your beautiful blue eyes. I miss the way you looked at me. I miss your touch. I miss your smell. I miss your eyebrow scowl. I miss bath time. I miss holding you. I miss cuddling with you. I miss being with you. I miss my baby. I find myself still listening for your noises, for your monitor, for anything. My life feels empty without you. I have heard of heartbreak. But I never knew a heart could actually physically break. I am broken.

I promise you……to not give up. I promise to take care of Daddy. He will be ok…..don’t you worry. I promise to take care of your sisters…..to be present in the now with them. I promise I will never forget you. You will always be my son. I am honored to have been your Momma. And as much as this hurts….I wouldn’t change one moment I had with you. I will be grateful for the time God gave me….and not angry for the time he didn’t. I will show the world how you made me a better person, a better wife, a better Momma.

I know by now you know and understand more than I do about all of this and maybe even the why, but I don't and I am left to wonder, grieve and question God. I don’t understand. This is not the order of how things are supposed to be. I can’t fathom why. But I promise….I will not lose my faith through this. I will hold tighter to it. I will trust the Lord that he has a plan for you and for me….and that it is perfect. And I hope and pray everyone listening to this will do the same. To not let your death tear them farther from their faith…..but to make it stronger. I know you are in God’s hands……the only hands better than mine.

I love you. I will hold you in my arms again. Until then….I will keep you in my heart.

Momma