December 4, 2017

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December 4, 2017

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My Dearest Austin


My dearest Austin –


I miss you.


As I held you when you took your last breathe……my heart broke and will never be the same.  Watching you pass was the hardest day of my life.  I held on tight to the body you left behind and never wanted to let go.  I am sorry I couldn’t save you.  I am sorry you didn’t have a healthy body.  I feel like I failed you as a Mother.  I would have given anything for you.  I would have given anything to switch places with you son.  I am so sorry I couldn’t save you. 


I miss your little grunts.  I miss your hands.  I miss your beautiful blue eyes.  I miss the way you looked at me.  I miss your touch.  I miss your smell.  I miss your eyebrow scowl.  I miss bath time.  I miss holding you.  I miss cuddling with you.  I miss being with you.  I miss my baby.  I find myself still listening for your noises, for your monitor, for anything.  My life feels empty without you.  I have heard of heartbreak.  But I never knew a heart could actually physically break.  I am broken.


I promise you……to not give up.  I promise to take care of Daddy.  He will be ok…..don’t you worry.  I promise to take care of your sisters… be present in the now with them.  I promise I will never forget you.  You will always be my son.  I am honored to have been your Momma.  And as much as this hurts….I wouldn’t change one moment I had with you.  I will be grateful for the time God gave me….and not angry for the time he didn’t.  I will show the world how you made me a better person, a better wife, a better Momma. 


I know by now you know and understand more than I do about all of this and maybe even the why, but I don't and I am left to wonder, grieve and question God.  I don’t understand.  This is not the order of how things are supposed to be.  I can’t fathom why.  But I promise….I will not lose my faith through this.  I will hold tighter to it.  I will trust the Lord that he has a plan for you and for me….and that it is perfect.  And I hope and pray everyone listening to this will do the same.  To not let your death tear them farther from their faith…..but to make it stronger.  I know you are in God’s hands……the only hands better than mine. 


I love you.  I will hold you in my arms again.  Until then….I will keep you in my heart.     



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